The Villains
The Biggest and Baddest of
the Bunch |
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Name: Hans Gruber |
Actor: Alan Rickman |
Film: Die Hard |
Bust a Cap
in Your Ass for No Reason Factor: | 10 |
Evil villain
Accent Factor: | 7 |
Screw with Your Head
Factor: | 8 |
Overall Villain
Rank: | #10 |
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Sporting Brooks Brothers
attire, Hans is one cool cucumber. For better than
half the movie, Hans manages to keep the good guys guessing
as to what the hell he's up to. He takes some
hostages, and passes himself off as a terrorist. But you already knew
that.
If Hans offers you a soda, you better
pass. Normally ice and bullets come with it.
Hans earns big points
on the Grinch factor, picking Christmas eve to attempt
his diabolical doings. After ruining everyone's holiday, he passes himself off
as an office employee, shoots out some windows to foil our
barefooted hero, and is prepared to blow up a roof full of
hostages. Now that's
cold.
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Name: Keyser Soze |
Actor: Kevin Spacey |
Film: The Usual
Suspects |
Where's Waldo Factor: | 10 |
Violence Factor: | 10 |
Senseless Motive
Factor: | 10 |
Overall Villain
Rank: | #9 |
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If there's a Villain on this whole list you do not want to
piss off, it's gotta be Keyser Soze.
Any man that will bust caps in his whole fucking family,
just to make a point isn't going to have much of a problem
shooting you. Big points for Keyser on the "ultra-violence"
scales, as well as "just shooting on general principle" scale.
The best part is, through the whole
movie you don't realize Keyser is passing himself off as the
stupid wormy guy.
Diabolical!
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Name: Rene Belloq |
Actor: Paul Freeman |
Film:
Raiders of the Lost Ark |
Pervert Factor: | 5 |
Stylin' Factor: | 10 |
Try to Mac on
your Woman
Factor: | 8 |
Overall Villain
Rank: | #8 |
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A man so bad, he could hang out with
Nazis and still be considered THE BAD GUY
. One of the snaziest dressing, double talking, rip you off kind of bad guys
in film history. Any man that can wear a pithe hat and not look like a flaming homo, has
some real style.
When he's not ripping off golden idols or
Arks of the Covenant, he enjoys smoking a water pipe and fucking
with Indy right after he thinks Marion got blown up. Then he tries
to romance her away when he finds out she is alive... That's just
wrong. Rating low on the pervert factor, but he did try to sneak a
glimpse at Marion's boobies when she was changing into that white
dress.
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Name: Wicked Witch of the
West |
Actor: Margaret Hamilton
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Film: The Wizard of
Oz |
Creepy-Ass Henchmen Factor: | 10 |
Violence Factor: | 7 |
Need
a Light ?
Factor: | 10 |
Overall Villain
Rank: | #7 |
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A late edition to the list, but a worthy competitor.
The Wicked Witch had a whole lot of villainy working for
her. On top of being down-right green and ugly, she had
a great cackle.
Her evil doesn't just stop with going after Dorothy's
sweet Kansas ass. Hell no! She's gonna kick Dorothy's
ass and then fuck with her dog too!
The deciding factor of her high placement came mainly
from two factors:
- "How 'bout a little fire scarecrow?!", trying to
turn Dorothy's dim friend into a tiki torch
- This green bitch had flying monkeys that totally
creeped me out as a kid.
(Who am I kidding, her
flying monkeys creep me out at 29) And when you've
got brainwashed henchmen walking around singing, "All we
own, we owe her.", you know you're an Effective
manager. I kept
waiting for her to kick a couple of midgets for fun. All
that attitude over another chick wearing her sisters
shoes...
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Name: The Kurgan |
Actor: Clancy Brown |
Film:
Highlander |
Pervert Factor: | 10 |
Violence Factor: | 10 |
Senseless Motive
Factor: | 8 |
Overall Villain
Rank: | #6 |
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Raised in a family where he had to fight with hungry dogs for food, family dysfunction has lead to a
bad seed.
His whole goal: To cut off your head and win the prize. And for all he knew, the prize could have
been one of those cheap-ass mirrors you win at a carnival with the Led Zepplin Swan Song album
cover on the front of it. Bottom line is, he didn't kow what "the Prize" was, he just knew he
wanted it.
Really achieving legendary villain status with one single act. He killed Connor's best friend and
mentor, and then screwed Connor's girlfriend. That's cold. Not to mention the sword fight that
ruined Connor's whole damn house.
In between beheadings, he manages to bang a
hooker, harras a hotel clerk, and do some really cool sword tricks.
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Name: Agent Smith |
Actor: Hugo Weaving |
Film:
The Matrix |
Chill Factor: | -40 |
Violence Factor: | 9 |
Senseless Motive
Factor: | 10 |
Overall Villain
Rank: | #5 |
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Agent Smith was working that cold
and in control villain thing. He wasn't forthcoming
with just how evil he was. He did it nice and slow. But when he opens the can of
Whoop-Ass, watch out. And hope like hell you make it out of the phone booth alive.
Smith is hopping from building to building, popping up in homeless peoples bodies, punching holes in concrete
walls, and dodging bullets lightening fast.
Sure he has his motives. He wants to make
sure that the machines keep control over the unsuspecting human
slaves. But when push comes to shove, he's really doing it all
because of the funky smell.
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Name: Hannibal Lecter |
Actor: Anthony Hopkins |
Film:
Silence of the Lambs |
Don't Talk to Me
Unless You Wanna Have Nightmare's Factor: | 10 |
You
Look Like Good Eatin' Factor: | 10 |
Senseless Motive
Factor: | 10 |
Overall Villain
Rank: | #4 |
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Any man who can tell you "...I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice ciante, fppt,fppt,fppt,fppt", and creep you out instead of making you bust up laughing deserves to be on this list.
In between snacks, he manages to help track down a serial killer, screw with your head, and draw a couple of pictures. Now that's a well rounded villain! Not to mention macing and beeting a cop to death, and eating another one's of face. Yummy!
And the creepiest part is he did it all
behind bars.
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Name: Ming the
Merciless |
Actor: Max
Von Sydow |
Film: Flash
Gordon
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Pervert Factor: | 10 |
I Just Like to
Watch Factor: | 10 |
Give You My Love Touch
Factor: | 10 |
Overall Villain
Rank: | #3 |
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I have a tough time with this one. I
don't know what makes Ming cooler, the crazy red satin threads
and pimp jewelry, or the fact that he's not only an evil
emporer of the universe, but a big old pervert.
Ming is definitely working that "I'm gonna kick your ass,
and fuck your woman!" villain thing.
After laying eyes on hotty Dale Arden, he is all over that,
and he proceeds to "Prepare her for our pleasure!", with such
zeal, you really want him to get some. I mean come on, he
wasn't asking for romance, just some hot sweaty monkey lovin'.
While spending the whole movie trying to show Dale his
groove thing, he also finds time to rain some meteors down on
Earth, erupt some volcanoes, crash a plane, execute Flash,
suck Zarkov's mind out, blow up the Hawkmen's flying city,
kill the Prince of Ardentia, watch while his daughter get
tortured with the "bore worms" and plan a wedding. Now that's
one busy villain!
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Name: Khan Noonian
Sing |
Actor: Ricardo Montalban |
Film: Star Trek
II The Wrath of
Khan |
Hold a Grudge Factor: | 10 |
Stick Shit
in Your Ear Factor: | 8 |
Bet You Didn't
See that Coming
Factor: | 10 |
Overall Villain
Rank: | #2 |
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Affectionately known as just "Khan" to his arch enemies,
our number two man is cool and intelligent and ruthless. And
when I say Khan, I don't mean like Chaka, I mean more like
Ginghis.
You won't hear Ricardo saying anything like "Smiles
everyone, smiles." Does he look like he wants to "smile". Hell
no! He means business this time, and I mean business Charles
Bronson style.
Khan goes from sticking ceti eels in peoples ears, to
jacking a ship, knocking the Enterprise around like it was a
ho that was holding out, killing the crew of a scientific
outpost, ripping off Genesis, and trying to kill Captain Kirk
with the Genesis device. That's quite the arch villain resume.
The only evil thing he doesn't do is start making cholostomy
bag jokes when Captain Kirk has to put on his reading
glasses.
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Name: Darth Vader |
Actor: David Prowse, James Earl Jones, Jake Lloyd, Sebastian Shaw, Hayden Christenson, and Bob Anderson |
Film: Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi |
Cool as Hell Factor: | 10 |
Violence Factor: | 10 |
You Wait till
Your Father Gets Home
Factor: | 10 |
Overall Villain
Rank: | #1 |
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Hitting the top spot on our villain list is the Dark
Lord of the Sith himself. A man so bad it took six people to portray him.
Now that's bad.
When he's not choking his own henchmen from across the galaxy, or strangling and tossing rebel troops into bulkheads, the Dark Lord likes
to hack his kids' hands off, and then tempt them to help him overthrow the Emporer himself.
And if that still isn't enough, he can fly a tie fighter and a pod racer like noone's business, which makes him
the perfect driver for when you want to knock off a seven eleven. (Oh yeah, like Vader would releive the stress of
being the Emporer's right hand man and chasing his kids across the galaxy by making ceramic ashtrays or knitting
pot holders.)
Wrap all that up in some black
threads, and a bad case of asma, and you have the one and only
undefeated, undisputed Baddest villain ever on screen.
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