The Villains
The Biggest and Baddest of the Bunch
Name: Hans Gruber
Actor: Alan Rickman
Film: Die Hard
Bust a Cap in Your Ass for No Reason Factor: 10
Evil villain Accent Factor: 7
Screw with Your Head Factor: 8
Overall Villain Rank: #10

Sporting Brooks Brothers attire, Hans is one cool cucumber.  For better than half the movie, Hans manages to keep the good guys guessing as to what the hell he's up to. He takes some hostages, and passes himself off as a terrorist.  But you already knew that.

If Hans offers you a soda, you better pass.  Normally ice and bullets come with it.

Hans earns big points on the Grinch factor, picking Christmas eve to attempt his diabolical doings. After ruining everyone's holiday, he passes himself off as an office employee, shoots out some windows to foil our barefooted hero, and is prepared to blow up a roof full of hostages. Now that's cold.

Name: Keyser Soze
Actor: Kevin Spacey
Film: The Usual Suspects
Where's Waldo Factor: 10
Violence Factor: 10
Senseless Motive Factor: 10
Overall Villain Rank: #9

If there's a Villain on this whole list you do not want to piss off, it's gotta be Keyser Soze.

Any man that will bust caps in his whole fucking family, just to make a point isn't going to have much of a problem shooting you. Big points for Keyser on the "ultra-violence" scales, as well as "just shooting on general principle" scale.

The best part is, through the whole movie you don't realize Keyser is passing himself off as the stupid wormy guy. Diabolical!

Name: Rene Belloq
Actor: Paul Freeman
Film: Raiders of the Lost Ark
Pervert Factor: 5
Stylin' Factor: 10
Try to Mac on your Woman Factor: 8
Overall Villain Rank: #8

A man so bad, he could hang out with Nazis and still be considered THE BAD GUY . One of the snaziest dressing, double talking, rip you off kind of bad guys in film history.  Any man that can wear a pithe hat and not look like a flaming homo, has some real style.

When he's not ripping off golden idols or Arks of the Covenant, he enjoys smoking a water pipe and fucking with Indy right after he thinks Marion got blown up. Then he tries to romance her away when he finds out she is alive... That's just wrong. Rating low on the pervert factor, but he did try to sneak a glimpse at Marion's boobies when she was changing into that white dress.

Name: Wicked Witch of the West
Actor: Margaret Hamilton
Film: The Wizard of Oz
Creepy-Ass Henchmen Factor: 10
Violence Factor: 7
Need a Light ? Factor: 10
Overall Villain Rank: #7

A late edition to the list, but a worthy competitor. The Wicked Witch had a whole lot of villainy working for her. On top of being down-right green and ugly, she had a great cackle.

Her evil doesn't just stop with going after Dorothy's sweet Kansas ass. Hell no! She's gonna kick Dorothy's ass and then fuck with her dog too!

The deciding factor of her high placement came mainly from two factors:

  1. "How 'bout a little fire scarecrow?!", trying to turn Dorothy's dim friend into a tiki torch
  2. This green bitch had flying monkeys that totally creeped me out as a kid.
    (Who am I kidding, her flying monkeys creep me out at 29)
And when you've got brainwashed henchmen walking around singing, "All we own, we owe her.", you know you're an Effective manager. I kept waiting for her to kick a couple of midgets for fun. All that attitude over another chick wearing her sisters shoes...
Name: The Kurgan
Actor: Clancy Brown
Film: Highlander
Pervert Factor: 10
Violence Factor: 10
Senseless Motive Factor: 8
Overall Villain Rank: #6

Raised in a family where he had to fight with hungry dogs for food, family dysfunction has lead to a bad seed.

His whole goal: To cut off your head and win the prize. And for all he knew, the prize could have been one of those cheap-ass mirrors you win at a carnival with the Led Zepplin Swan Song album cover on the front of it. Bottom line is, he didn't kow what "the Prize" was, he just knew he wanted it.

Really achieving legendary villain status with one single act. He killed Connor's best friend and mentor, and then screwed Connor's girlfriend. That's cold. Not to mention the sword fight that ruined Connor's whole damn house.

In between beheadings, he manages to bang a hooker, harras a hotel clerk, and do some really cool sword tricks.

Name: Agent Smith
Actor: Hugo Weaving
Film: The Matrix
Chill Factor: -40
Violence Factor: 9
Senseless Motive Factor: 10
Overall Villain Rank: #5

Agent Smith was working that cold and in control villain thing. He wasn't forthcoming with just how evil he was. He did it nice and slow. But when he opens the can of Whoop-Ass, watch out. And hope like hell you make it out of the phone booth alive.

Smith is hopping from building to building, popping up in homeless peoples bodies, punching holes in concrete walls, and dodging bullets lightening fast.

Sure he has his motives. He wants to make sure that the machines keep control over the unsuspecting human slaves. But when push comes to shove, he's really doing it all because of the funky smell.

Name: Hannibal Lecter
Actor: Anthony Hopkins
Film: Silence of the Lambs
Don't Talk to Me Unless You Wanna Have Nightmare's Factor: 10
You Look Like Good Eatin' Factor: 10
Senseless Motive Factor: 10
Overall Villain Rank: #4

Any man who can tell you "...I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice ciante, fppt,fppt,fppt,fppt", and creep you out instead of making you bust up laughing deserves to be on this list.

In between snacks, he manages to help track down a serial killer, screw with your head, and draw a couple of pictures. Now that's a well rounded villain! Not to mention macing and beeting a cop to death, and eating another one's of face. Yummy!

And the creepiest part is he did it all behind bars.

Name: Ming the Merciless
Actor: Max Von Sydow
Film: Flash Gordon
Pervert Factor: 10
I Just Like to Watch Factor: 10
Give You My Love Touch Factor: 10
Overall Villain Rank: #3

I have a tough time with this one. I don't know what makes Ming cooler, the crazy red satin threads and pimp jewelry, or the fact that he's not only an evil emporer of the universe, but a big old pervert.

Ming is definitely working that "I'm gonna kick your ass, and fuck your woman!" villain thing.

After laying eyes on hotty Dale Arden, he is all over that, and he proceeds to "Prepare her for our pleasure!", with such zeal, you really want him to get some. I mean come on, he wasn't asking for romance, just some hot sweaty monkey lovin'.

While spending the whole movie trying to show Dale his groove thing, he also finds time to rain some meteors down on Earth, erupt some volcanoes, crash a plane, execute Flash, suck Zarkov's mind out, blow up the Hawkmen's flying city, kill the Prince of Ardentia, watch while his daughter get tortured with the "bore worms" and plan a wedding. Now that's one busy villain!

Name: Khan Noonian Sing
Actor: Ricardo Montalban

Film: Star Trek II The Wrath of Khan

Hold a Grudge Factor: 10
Stick Shit in Your Ear Factor: 8
Bet You Didn't See that Coming Factor: 10
Overall Villain Rank: #2

Affectionately known as just "Khan" to his arch enemies, our number two man is cool and intelligent and ruthless. And when I say Khan, I don't mean like Chaka, I mean more like Ginghis.

You won't hear Ricardo saying anything like "Smiles everyone, smiles." Does he look like he wants to "smile". Hell no! He means business this time, and I mean business Charles Bronson style.

Khan goes from sticking ceti eels in peoples ears, to jacking a ship, knocking the Enterprise around like it was a ho that was holding out, killing the crew of a scientific outpost, ripping off Genesis, and trying to kill Captain Kirk with the Genesis device. That's quite the arch villain resume. The only evil thing he doesn't do is start making cholostomy bag jokes when Captain Kirk has to put on his reading glasses.

Name: Darth Vader
Actor: David Prowse, James Earl Jones, Jake Lloyd, Sebastian Shaw, Hayden Christenson, and Bob Anderson
Film: Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi
Cool as Hell Factor: 10
Violence Factor: 10
You Wait till Your Father Gets Home Factor: 10
Overall Villain Rank: #1
Hitting the top spot on our villain list is the Dark Lord of the Sith himself. A man so bad it took six people to portray him. Now that's bad.

When he's not choking his own henchmen from across the galaxy, or strangling and tossing rebel troops into bulkheads, the Dark Lord likes to hack his kids' hands off, and then tempt them to help him overthrow the Emporer himself.

And if that still isn't enough, he can fly a tie fighter and a pod racer like noone's business, which makes him the perfect driver for when you want to knock off a seven eleven. (Oh yeah, like Vader would releive the stress of being the Emporer's right hand man and chasing his kids across the galaxy by making ceramic ashtrays or knitting pot holders.)

Wrap all that up in some black threads, and a bad case of asma, and you have the one and only undefeated, undisputed Baddest villain ever on screen.